Monkey business
26 September 2011 01:41 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
timpeltjeI hung up in a tree. I had fled there after an attack from a particularly ambitious pirahna. You wouldn't expect to ind these animals in suburban Belgium,, but these days, nothing is certain. Why only this week, some overambitious elements ran faster than Einstein did (I admit, I wasn't really listening to the report, but the very thought of something outrunning Einstein is just upsetting -it's like saying that something could be faster than light, and that would be just ridiculous).
So up in my tree, I started pondering. If I would decide to start lving in this tree, could I claim it as my home, and maybe even get a tax deduction because of my sustainable and ecological home? I could eat leaves in spring and summer and birds and twigs and snow in autumn and spring.
I didn't have long to think about all this, though. My pirahna had returned, and this time, he had a plan. I wondered what I had done to make the animal so angry. It clearly wanted to attack me, and only me, not noe of the "meatier" specimens of homo sapiens sapiens that don't live in trees. I did decide to take this as a compliment, convinced that the animal was going for a more refined, delicate, oaky flavour with rich tannins and lots of delicious blood (though, I wonder how this beast would know this... given the fact that 1) I don't give blood (see below) and B) mosquitoes refuse to bite me. They will spend their time hovering annoyingly close to my ears (on their way to Erik, whose blood they adore (it is yummy, I must admit)), but apart from that, they leave me alone (and one was doing that just now - and it met its maker... or rather, my electric mosquito racket that made it fry instantaneously - oh, lovely cruelty!). Maybe the mosquitos set up an elaborate plan to make the pirahna get rid of me, so that their pathway to Erik would be free from my repulsive odour. Thinking that, I shouted down to the fish, who was now starting to saw its way through the tree (again, only possible because of cocky neutrinos): "hey, the mosquitoes were lying, my blood is undrinkable!" To prove it to the animal, I bit off my little finger and let the stream of blood rain down on him, throwing the severed finger behind it.
Thinking back, it might not have been such a bright idea, but it felt like it was my only choice. Still, it turned out the pirahna had not been convinced by the mosquitoes and it also did not seem to share their opinion on the taste of Timmy. Sadly for me, this animal went berserk by the appetizer that was my finger, and his sawing became ever more frantic. Even though my will contains a clause that specifies that my body should be turned into pet food, I didn't mean this to happen before I actually die. "Details, details," the fish would say and continue sawing, ignoring my last will (is there a punishment for that?).
So that's how it came to be that the tree fell down and I was swallowed in one piece by the pirahna (gluttonous much?!).
I decided to wait four days before cutting open the fish from the inside. Why four days? The Guinness Book of Records of course! If Jona could spend three days inside a fish, I could at least do four.
Sadly, the Guinness Book have just called me, saying that my world record isn't valid, because no "authority" was present. I yelled at the woman, telling her I didn't have any reception on my mobile phone inside the fish when I was eaten, so I couldn't call anyone, etc... etc... She cut me off, saying: "oh just do it again!" and then hung up.
So up in my tree, I started pondering. If I would decide to start lving in this tree, could I claim it as my home, and maybe even get a tax deduction because of my sustainable and ecological home? I could eat leaves in spring and summer and birds and twigs and snow in autumn and spring.
I didn't have long to think about all this, though. My pirahna had returned, and this time, he had a plan. I wondered what I had done to make the animal so angry. It clearly wanted to attack me, and only me, not noe of the "meatier" specimens of homo sapiens sapiens that don't live in trees. I did decide to take this as a compliment, convinced that the animal was going for a more refined, delicate, oaky flavour with rich tannins and lots of delicious blood (though, I wonder how this beast would know this... given the fact that 1) I don't give blood (see below) and B) mosquitoes refuse to bite me. They will spend their time hovering annoyingly close to my ears (on their way to Erik, whose blood they adore (it is yummy, I must admit)), but apart from that, they leave me alone (and one was doing that just now - and it met its maker... or rather, my electric mosquito racket that made it fry instantaneously - oh, lovely cruelty!). Maybe the mosquitos set up an elaborate plan to make the pirahna get rid of me, so that their pathway to Erik would be free from my repulsive odour. Thinking that, I shouted down to the fish, who was now starting to saw its way through the tree (again, only possible because of cocky neutrinos): "hey, the mosquitoes were lying, my blood is undrinkable!" To prove it to the animal, I bit off my little finger and let the stream of blood rain down on him, throwing the severed finger behind it.
Thinking back, it might not have been such a bright idea, but it felt like it was my only choice. Still, it turned out the pirahna had not been convinced by the mosquitoes and it also did not seem to share their opinion on the taste of Timmy. Sadly for me, this animal went berserk by the appetizer that was my finger, and his sawing became ever more frantic. Even though my will contains a clause that specifies that my body should be turned into pet food, I didn't mean this to happen before I actually die. "Details, details," the fish would say and continue sawing, ignoring my last will (is there a punishment for that?).
So that's how it came to be that the tree fell down and I was swallowed in one piece by the pirahna (gluttonous much?!).
I decided to wait four days before cutting open the fish from the inside. Why four days? The Guinness Book of Records of course! If Jona could spend three days inside a fish, I could at least do four.
Sadly, the Guinness Book have just called me, saying that my world record isn't valid, because no "authority" was present. I yelled at the woman, telling her I didn't have any reception on my mobile phone inside the fish when I was eaten, so I couldn't call anyone, etc... etc... She cut me off, saying: "oh just do it again!" and then hung up.
