written at work

vi undrade vad det var
som hackade in på min oförmåga
att tolka den oanvändbara tomheten
som fyllde mig om dagen.
Motsatserna förblir fortfarande
i kroppen som inte har tillgång
till någon enda lösning.

Vi som finns,
vi pussas,
vi som väntar,
vi tänker.

Alla dom som blundar för mig
har ingen rätt att göra så: de vet inte
dom behöver mig för att leva. Att det här
skulle vara tvärtom, det kan inte vara sant.

Jag tar steget nu,
steget inne i framtiden, ut ur det mörka.
Vart jag än kommer ut, motsatserna kommer att
kvarstå - i någon annorlunda form - men jag
tilltalas av det nya obekanta.

Dom som finns,
dom älskar,
dom som inte kan
bör inte ens finnas.




translated....(I really had a calm day at work..rainrainrain...still did 15 hours though (I will earn 500€ this week. nice.))


We wondered what it was
That hacked into my incapability
To interpret the useless emptiness
Which filled me every day.
The oppositions remain forever
In the body that has no access
To any clear solution.

We, who exist,
We kiss,
We, who wait,
We think.

All those who close their eyes for me
Have no right to do this: they do not know
They live because of me. No part of me
Will ever be convinced of the opposite.

I’m taking the step now,
Into the future, out of darkness.
Wherever I come out, the oppositions
Will follow me – in some new and different form –
But still I want what’s new and unknown.

Those who exist,
They love,
Those who can’t
Shouldn’t even be.

Choose life.

for the first time in six years, I'm "really" considering giving up my work in the restaurant, have a laid-back month, and enjoy myself. the atmosphere sucks, the co-workers are still throwing insults at each other; I think it is time to search something else...If I will search something else, not needing the money so much as I do other years. I have seen that the period of going out and having fun with the group is completely over. The "boss" is becoming more of an abstract person than a friend and everybody else is so worked up with complaining or doing something else that I'm just silently considering of following the same way our cook has taken last week. I'll give them time to find a replacement, maybe a week or so. Things will have to improve. Anyway, I'm going to look out for something else now, actively searching I may start doing next week. Maybe I won't even do a thing: that would be nice, too. Maybe I can start some sort of social life again (instead of satisfying myself with acquaintances who tend to look in the same way at me...UP). Not that I need it right now. I am contradicting myself in my wants and needs.


flutteringly confusing,
his dream passes before me,
like the taxi driver who
ignores my frantic waving.
I'll have to wait for the next,
my deserted surroundings leave me
with no other way out.
the dying tree I lean against
is clueless as to when the next one
will come
to exhaust me.


I want it to be Thursday now; that's when I'll know my results. I'll have one more certainty then. Now I'm tired and my legs and feet ache. I will massage myself a bit before I go to sleep, also mentally. Tonight I am Goethe's Werther, tomorrow I might scratch my crotch and wonder what the fuck I was on about. I don't know which of these I really can be.

I bought the first six feet under season DVD's today - they better be good!! ghi! I also bought Alan Hollinghurst's "The Line of Beauty" (Booker Prize winner this year). I want to expand my literary genius (oh yes, "genius", in times of uncertainty, I remain ever self-confident (to the outside world only perhaps, but...ah well...))

Tonight, nothing will satisfy me. My breaths are too quick, too thoughtful; I need to be protected from myself -maybe a simple hug would do that.

*sigh*