28 August 2013

timpeltje: (Default)
They say my atoms are born from exploded stars, pieces taken from all over the universe, ready for an inconspicuous passage through my blood stream. One of those atoms recently stood up and talked to me.

'Hey, you! Nitwit!'
'Oh, hi! Who are you? Actually... WHAT are you?'
'I'm an atom belonging to one of your millions of carbon elements. I reside in your left nipple and I'm fed up with this!'
'With what? You can't talk! Who is this?!'
'Look, asshole, I CAN talk, and while you're a moron, I hope at least some of my colleagues in your brain will help you grasp what you're dealing with here.'
'Atoms can't talk! I'll Google it and you'll see!'
'Fuck Google!'
'Damn.... no reception! Still, you can't talk! There is no way!'
'I may be just an atom, born from a family of carbon, but I know what I know. And I know I can talk. And I know I don't like you.'
'Why? Suppose you're real... What did I ever do to you?'
'What didn't you do?'
'I'm sorry?'
'Look, bitch! I was promised a seven-year cycle of bliss, new experience and peace. "Go to a human body", said the brochure, "your home away from home." I sure fell for that one!'
'Wait... you atoms are considering being part of me a holiday?'
'Well, duh! All of us are here on vacation.'
'But why are you the only one talking to me?'
'Because I'm fucking annoyed, that's why! Oh, and because I am smarter than most other atoms.'
'OK, so why are you annoyed?'
'This hasn't been anything like the brochure! Look, you probably don't know this, but when it comes to the "human experience", us atoms can chose where we want to go. Those of us that want an adventurous vacation with humans, they'll be atoms in some crazy deadly virus or cancer and experience a whole bunch of thrills in a short time...'
'But I don't have cancer...'
'Will you stop interrupting me? I didn't choose one of those vacations. I paid for a relaxing vacation as part of a human carbon element.'
'So? Isn't that what you're getting?'
' "Relaxing" and "boring up to a point where I want to kill myself" are two different things, you tosser!'
'Look, I still don't get it! How does an atom kill itself anyway?'
'We can't! That's the point, Einstein!'
'OK, OK! Then why are you so bored... and such an asshole?'
'My destination was "the nipple" and with it came a number of promises that have not been fulfilled... They said we'd be stimulated, fondled, licked, sucked on, tittilated, etcetera! I've been on your fucking nipple for two years and NOTHING has happened! Are you that repulsive or what's wrong with you?'
'I think something my be wrong with your intel. Didn't they tell you in your brochure that men's nipples aren't as sensitive as women's?'
'Errr.. No, they did not.'
'And then you're just unlucky, because my nipples are particularly "for display purposes only"... by which I mean to say, there's really never much going on there.'
'Suppose I believe you... could you help me?'
'How would I do that?'
'Just, you know..., squeeze me from time to time, or let me be squeezed or fondled...'
'I'm not doing that!'
'Can't you just cut me off then?'
'Sorry, what?'
'Well, just excise me and let me return home! I can't until my carbon element dies, and that might take a while...'
'I can't even see where you're speaking from!'
'The left nipple, I told you!'
'I'm not cutting off my nipple! FREAK!'
'It'll grow back!'
'NO, it won't!'
'Oh, so that's how it is, is it?'
'Shut up... or I'll...'
'You'll what? You better watch what you say! I've got powers here in the atom world!'
'Sure you do... Now piss off, will you?'
'Oh, now you've done it! I'm calling my colleagues in your brain department right now to go on strike effective immediately!'
'Wiat, y di wa?? Grr, hnnnn, hnnnnnn; krrrrhihihiih; mlmmmmmm!'
'Cut me off! NOW!'