12 June 2013

timpeltje: (Default)
There, that triggered some filters and wasted some CIA hard drive space! Oh, wouldn’t it be nice if it got triggered so much that somebody actually had to read it? I guess I’d have to unwittingly reveal some details about the terror plot I’ve been working on for 32 years (that’s right, many years before I was born!). But then who reveals their plans in a blog entry? Either the biggest idiot one can think of, or the greatest criminal mastermind that ever roamed the Street of The Cat’s Arse (now I even gave my location away, that’s how genius I am).
For you see, only the cleverest of the clever (oh, climbing Mount Cleverest took me a long time!) know that the best secrets are the ones that are out in the open for everyone to see.

“Why, Timmy,” you ask, “how does that make sense?”
Timmy, all smug and condescending, would reply: “Oh you Dumbo! Because it would just be so unexpected that it will always work!”

Think about it; if I’m using seventeen layers of encryption, a relay server that anonymizes everything, and a mouse pad with a picture of a guy wearing a banana costume on it, all that just to use my internet browser, it is quite obvious that my activity will be deemed so much more interesting by hackers and intelligence agencies. Hackers won’t feel challenged to just read my blog entry detailing my terrorist plot, because it’s just right here; maybe my password might prove tricky, but they won’t even need that. They of course won’t want their supervisors to know that this terrorist info can be found by anyone, because this could make them lose their jobs, so they will only focus on the jobs that actually cause them some effort.
I cannot believe that no terrorist ever thought of this. But then again, nobody’s as cunning as I. *releases a burst of diabolic laughter*

So I can write about my terror plot, quite easily. It involves ten thousand plastic bags that me and my accomplices will tie around the tails of an equal number of unsuspecting cows (though the number could be higher, if some of these cows were siamese twins and could be “covered” with one plastic bag – “always respect the siamese twins before they bugger you while you sleep,” is what my great-grandfather used to say, and who are we to ignore the man’s obvious wisdom). The bags will then be collecting the methane gases these cows will produce over a period of time (as yet to be determined by a trial run with a rental cow (does Hertz rent cows? I’ll have to check – this plan’s only been 32 years in the making, you can expect me to have ALL the details!)). Subsequently, these bags will be closed and collected and released all over America with a bit of string attached to it.
Then, the string will be lit with a match, causing all balloons to inflame at the same time, which in turn will create panic amongst the most idiotic and backward religious zealots, because they will think it’s the end of the world, which made the Rapture come, and, here’s the key point: they haven’t been raptured!

These burning skies will create a huge panic among the populace and it will lead to an unprecedented amount of mass suicides, because of fear the Devil might come and sodomise those devout souls. I will then use this diversion to install myself as new Eternal Ruler Of All The Known Universe! (exclamation mark is part of title!)

It is a plan that simply cannot fail. I realise that it would make more sense to have a terrorist plot where I target people With a brain, rather than Without (as is the case here), but you know, you think of a terrorist plot at 3 in the morning! I mean, 32 years ago!

Disclaimer – I take no responsibility for any attacks performed as a result of my posting these instructions here. If anyone should take responsibility for it, it should be the cows! What with all this genetic modification going on, they really should be able to read!