On my way to...

[timpeltje]

Now that billions have been spent to once again reaffirm the existence of dust and red rocks (though they could be black-and-white) on the planet Mars, I think it is time to formally announce my candidacy for a manned space mission to Mars and beyond.

Naturally, I have always been a big fan of space. Well, apart from that one time space abandoned me, causing me to black out and wake up in a prison cell – space pleaded innocent, but everyone knew who really was to blame.

Anyway, I remember where I was when Neil – I can call him Neil – forgot his indefinite article on the moon. I was in my father’s testicle, though I cannot be fully sure which one; they looked so much alike.

I feel I’d make a great candidate for an extended mission to Mars. The reason is simple. In the age of short attention spans – look, a YouTube cat! – we need to cast someone who has the ability to keep those ratings up. We don’t want people to switch over to some other channel when I plant my first foot on Mars, do we?

I do suggest my fellow space travellers be quite competitive, none of that 1960s “it’s a team effort”, “you go first, no, you go first” kind of thing, no way. We should perform challenges to determine who can be the first to set foot on Mars. As with any good reality show, we need losers who get sent off the show. Too bad for the loser that there’s just a whole lot of empty space outside the ship. This will ensure that everyone will give 101% at every challenge (it goes without saying that I cannot be sent off the ship, since I have immunity because I came up with all of this).

Is there a chance that everybody will just try to kill each other after two weeks?

Of course, but that’s part of the appeal and it offers huge advertising opportunities. If crew number 1 gets killed off, you can use the advertising money to build a second rocket for season 2. It’s that simple! 

So, I guess I’ll start packing... *grabs handgun*... wait? Do guns work in a state of weightlessness? I don’t why they shouldn’t, since you can urinate while being weightless, but I’ll have to ask Google...