Don't bomb the Alien!

 Ah, Humans, I often wonder what’s wrong with you. I escaped my home planet a long time ago because I had accidentally destroyed it (retarded toddlers shouldn’t play with hydrogen bombs, that was my people’s fatal error), and now it seems I will have to move house again in the not too distant future. So many of you seem eager to willingly repeat my mistake and make this a more unliveable place.

First, let me make something clear to you: I was only retarded on my home planet. On this planet, however, I appear to be as clever as a cartload of monkeys. Funny thing, when I arrived here in the late 70’s, I couldn’t make the distinction between monkeys and people, so there I was in Africa shagging a bunch of those, before realising what was going on. Afterwards I moved to New York – wild years, I must tell you – though later on, a lot of the people I had shagged there got sick and died for some reason, so I decided to move.

Anyhow, Humans, I kind of have a love-hate relationship with you guys. As an outsider, it is quite odd to observe you lot. You see so many differences where in fact there are none. And so you use bombs... Last week, I had to laugh when a suicide bomber decided to blow himself up on a big shopping street in Sweden, only killing himself with the two bombs he had set up. One passer-by may have suffered some higher blood pressure as a result, but other than that, nothing really happened. It must be the number one sad way to die, wanting to kill hundreds and end up only killing yourself. All that in name of a religion, something any advanced society should do without – I scream at people on this planet to look at the universe and see how coincidental it all is, but lots of them are just too selfish to see how meaningless the universe is. I wonder if that lonesome bomber’s heaven has a specially reserved space for Losers, or if instead of the 72 top class virgins he was promised, he gets 7.2 hairy fat ones with at least two amputated limbs (one advantage of these is that they can’t crawl away that easily). He did explode a bit of the Earth, and that’s what worries me. At one point, all the land you Humans live on will be blown up – I’m just not sure volcanoes can keep on producing land at fast enough rates for your explosive desires. Still, it’s your loss, I’ve already decided on my next planet when you guys do end up destroying yourselves. I went there last week to look for apartments; that’s how serious I am!

I find it hard to understand why you guys find reasons to hate each other so much; retards, that’s what you are. You spend so much time and effort into fighting each other that you let non-existing entities like corporations dominate your lives and exploit you in every way possible. If you guys ever discover warp speed (I use tomatoes), please don’t take your petty differences to other planets, we reallyreallyreally don’t care. And don’t tell anyone on other planets that you still have religions, or you’ll be the laughing stock of the whole universe in no time (word gets round easily, you know... well, if I decide to tell them, that is – you can shut me up, but it’ll cost you!).

With all the bombs currently sleeping on this tiny little planet, you could easily destroy it ten times over. By all means do, but that I will have already jumped in my tomato and I’ll have flown off...

Zanc The Alien