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From my CV...... who said I was unemployable?
Recent Work Experience
Winter 2009: Timbuktu. Breastfeeding orphaned urang-utangs (sadly, none survived because of my low milk production)
* skills acquired: washing dead urang-utangs, burying dead urang-utangs, skinning and eating urang-utangs, cooking urang-utang stew
- This was a life-changing experience, certainly because I encountered the limitations of my body (not lactating and such), luckily there were enough dead urang-utangs to survive on (though I admit I had to hunt down some well-nourished parent urang-utangs, because the orphans really didn't have much meat on their bones - I did adopt their orphaned offspring into my group, however).
Spring 2009: Paris. Organiser of "Bum Fights", a competition in which two homeless people had to attack each other to win a weather proof cardboard box.
* skills acquired: organisation of illegal betting, secretly disposing of dead contestants, opening a Swiss bank account, fleeing to Antarctica to escape prosecution
Summer 2009: Antarctica. Slowing down global warming. Bringing 2 buckets of ice to Antarctica to stop global warming (sadly, the ice had melted when we got there).
* skills acquired: basic operation of the central heating system of an Antarctic icebreaker (only in Mongolian however, it was a Mongolian ship), chopping up Mongolian workers for food and to put them on our campfire while on Antarctica, melting ice, freezing water.
Autumn 2009: Belgium. Employed as an arsonist by a local fire brigade who had become bored of doing so very little all the time.
*skills acquired: using matches, trapping school children with walls of fire, preparing and throwing molotov cocktails (I even have a great new recipe for one!)
Winter 2010: Siberia. Banana tree planter/rapist. The local Siberian government contacted me because of all my talents and they asked me to make their region more appealing for tourism. So I suggested I come work for them as a banana tree planter because people only connect bananas with exotic countries, so once people would know Siberia has bananas now, it would be just a matter of time before tourists come pouring in from all over the world. They provided me with a labour force of 400 boys, of whom I raped at least 35 (8.75%). In the end, I didn't plant any banana trees.
*skills acquired: Russian banana and rape language, burning locals for heat (perfection of the skills acquired when capturing Mongolians)
Spring 2010: Birmingham. Official City Insulter. The city council employed me to depress the population, confronting them with the ugliness of their city.
*skills acquired: pouring alcohol into eyes to make the ugly city look at least bearable to look at.
Summer 2010 (current). Berlin. Druglord and pimp. Head of a heroin and prostitute emporium focussing on the midget market. Our customers' continuous receiving of government support money guarantees this to be a thriving and stable business. Might result in the production of midget porn, but the problem with midgets is that they have really short stamina (gha!).
... to be continued...
Recent Work Experience
Winter 2009: Timbuktu. Breastfeeding orphaned urang-utangs (sadly, none survived because of my low milk production)
* skills acquired: washing dead urang-utangs, burying dead urang-utangs, skinning and eating urang-utangs, cooking urang-utang stew
- This was a life-changing experience, certainly because I encountered the limitations of my body (not lactating and such), luckily there were enough dead urang-utangs to survive on (though I admit I had to hunt down some well-nourished parent urang-utangs, because the orphans really didn't have much meat on their bones - I did adopt their orphaned offspring into my group, however).
Spring 2009: Paris. Organiser of "Bum Fights", a competition in which two homeless people had to attack each other to win a weather proof cardboard box.
* skills acquired: organisation of illegal betting, secretly disposing of dead contestants, opening a Swiss bank account, fleeing to Antarctica to escape prosecution
Summer 2009: Antarctica. Slowing down global warming. Bringing 2 buckets of ice to Antarctica to stop global warming (sadly, the ice had melted when we got there).
* skills acquired: basic operation of the central heating system of an Antarctic icebreaker (only in Mongolian however, it was a Mongolian ship), chopping up Mongolian workers for food and to put them on our campfire while on Antarctica, melting ice, freezing water.
Autumn 2009: Belgium. Employed as an arsonist by a local fire brigade who had become bored of doing so very little all the time.
*skills acquired: using matches, trapping school children with walls of fire, preparing and throwing molotov cocktails (I even have a great new recipe for one!)
Winter 2010: Siberia. Banana tree planter/rapist. The local Siberian government contacted me because of all my talents and they asked me to make their region more appealing for tourism. So I suggested I come work for them as a banana tree planter because people only connect bananas with exotic countries, so once people would know Siberia has bananas now, it would be just a matter of time before tourists come pouring in from all over the world. They provided me with a labour force of 400 boys, of whom I raped at least 35 (8.75%). In the end, I didn't plant any banana trees.
*skills acquired: Russian banana and rape language, burning locals for heat (perfection of the skills acquired when capturing Mongolians)
Spring 2010: Birmingham. Official City Insulter. The city council employed me to depress the population, confronting them with the ugliness of their city.
*skills acquired: pouring alcohol into eyes to make the ugly city look at least bearable to look at.
Summer 2010 (current). Berlin. Druglord and pimp. Head of a heroin and prostitute emporium focussing on the midget market. Our customers' continuous receiving of government support money guarantees this to be a thriving and stable business. Might result in the production of midget porn, but the problem with midgets is that they have really short stamina (gha!).
... to be continued...
