A 21st Century Prophet

'Hello, this is the Help Line for Those without Anyone to Talk To.'
'Hi, I was just wondering if you could help me with something.'
'It's what I'm here for, or at least that's the idea.'
'So yeah, I just found out I'm this prophet...
'You what?'
'Well, I had a vision and the old Norse god Loki came to me, telling me that he was the one who gave me fire, like Prometheus to the Greeks, but that he also rejoiced in seeing myself get burnt by it.' 
'Uh-huh.'
'Yeah, and then he told me that I am actually a prophet, he contacted me so that I could prepare humanity for Ragnarök.'
'Ragna-what?'
'Ragnarök, you know, the end of the world, after which every human on earth will die except for two, a man and a woman, who will then continue to repopulate the earth. He told me that I am going to be that surviving man.'
'Sir, I think...'
'Please! I don't know who else to talk to, I'm really worried, because I know what I saw, I'm not mad!'
'Nobody's saying that you are, but you need to calm down.'
'But how can I? Loki asked me to prepare the human race for this epic battle, but I think the Gods are a bit out of touch with reality... I mean, how am I supposed to convince people of what I saw?'
'I don't really know sir, most people who call here have either lost their keys somewhere or want to jump in front of a train. The number of prophets we get is really not that much.'
'You see, I am worried about this vision, because I know deep-down in my heart that it was real. And Loki warned me that if I failed in my divine mission, that I would be eternally punished in the afterlife, so you know... I have to do something.'
'Sir, I'm just looking up Loki on Wikipedia and I don't think you have any reason to believe what he says. He's supposed to be locked up, you know, so there's no chance he could have just left his prison to talk to someone like you.'
'No, that's the thing see, I knew he was locked up, so I asked him, and he told me that Odin released him to come and talk to me, so that he could restore his sacred position among Gods.'
'Sure he did...'
'No, I'm telling you! He even showed me video proof on his iPhone!'
'Sir, I don't think you're a prophet!'
'I know! That's the thing. How do I tell people in the twenty-first century that I am actually the real deal? I asked Loki if he had a Facebook so that he could vouch for me as the real thing, but he said Facebook wasn't allowed in eternal life. I should try Speaker's Corner in Hyde Park in  London perhaps, at least then some people will listen.'
'Hmmm, you're a prank caller, aren't you?'
'NO! I swear I'm not! Listen, I tried to reason with Loki, telling him how impossible it would be without any real proof, but he just wouldn't listen. It's like the Gods are all still stuck in the Dark Ages!' 
'Maybe you should see a psychiatrist...'
'Fuck you! I know you don't believe me, but just make an effort, will you!?' 
'Sir, have you considered that you might actually not be a prophet?'
'Of course I have. I don't want to be a prophet! I mean, I don't look forward to the end of the world and afterwards having to mate with a woman I don't even know!' 
'Didn't he tell you who the woman was going to be?'
'Well, no, he didn't! And anyway, I'm gay, so it's all going to be bad...'
'Sir, I wouldn't worry about it too much. Get a good night's sleep and maybe it'll all be over...'
'That's easy for you to say, you'll be dead soon!'
*click*


(Really, who do you turn to if you are a prophet in this century? Who would believe you?)