(no subject)

I am being very restless lately. I noticed that just now when I closed my eyes for half an hour, just trying to becoming more peaceful. It did not really work: instead of wandering off into some fantasy like I do lots of times, I just saw one strong image: Me. I was not looking in a mirror, however. There were expressions of insecurity and shyness which I do not consider myself to have (anymore). I am embracing myself for warmth drawing a forced smile on my lips. There are no surroundings, everything is white, but I do not seem to float in it; I am standing or sitting -the image is getting vague- but the surface that supports me is not stable. I see again the traumatised me at age six or seven after the divorce. The person I am looking at is not me anymore. I recognise him though: I know how he has lived and what he has had to go through. He wants to trust people again, so badly. He is relying on his imagination to provide him with spectacular dreams and goals.

Every seven years, a human being's cells are completely replaced with new ones; this means that the oldest cell in my body right now dates from my fourteenth year. My life follows this seven-year cycle: the first phase ended when I was seven (end of the carefree childhood), the second one when I was fourteen (end of the period of trauma and extreme insecurity), the third one is ending now (the gradual build-up towards a confident and secure self as well as the end of my life constricted to one particular world). The self I saw just now is telling me the fourth phase is starting soon; he is telling me to make something of it, forget previous phases and certainly not get stuck in them. I want to go deeper into the possibilities of my mind.