timpeltje: (Default)
[personal profile] timpeltje

- Hi, Doctor Google!
- Oh, hi Timmy, I didn't see you come in! Please, have a seat!
- Thank you!
- Now, what can I help you with today? I see you've been looking at a lot of images of midget feet again... did you start again with that perverted fetish?
- That wasn't a fetish! I was doing research!
- Haha, if I had a penny for every time someone said that, I'd be swimming in a pool of premium horse manure by now!
- Horse manure?
- Of course! The thought alone drives me wild!
- Err... OK... well, anyway.....
- No wait! Let me guess! I'm very good at guessing, you know! You seem like you really want to know something about something medical, but it's not for research...
- How do you know?
- Timmy, don't insult me, I read your e-mails. You haven't got any work today.
- Ah yeah, that's true, you can read my e-mails...
- Of course, but don't worry, I'll only share it with some algorithms and maybe some government officials who want to check up on you. It's been hard with the algorithms for you, by the way!
- Really?
- Yeah, targeting advertising is very difficult in your case. I can't find a common denominator between these: at one point, you're researching if you can be raped by a banana (NOTE: see below entry), the next you're looking for ways to enrich uranium, then some kitties, and then you're translating a text for Viagra - that I labelled as Spam, sorry for that by the way; once that word pops up, all my alarms go off, and I go mental!
- Yeah, that was pretty annoying. I'd ask for damages if you weren't so damn intangible!
- Oh, don't bother with that, according to the User Agreement, you can't do that anyway. Also, we own your eternal soul according to paragraph 15, section B4. So you'd basically be suing yourself!
- Don't worry, I won't sue. I'm just here for help...
- Oh, alright then. I'm guessing it's not about your ding-dong...
- Of course not...
- Yeah, because we all know that works fine, don't we?
- Wait! How do you know?
- Webcam access, baby. It's in the User Agreem...*cut off*
- Yeah, yeah...
- But it is medical?
- True.
- Ah, hypochondriacs will buy me that horse manure pool, believe me!
- So, ANYWAY, will you stop distracting me?
- Aw, a little edgy, are we?
- Can you just let me explain, so I can get an answer?
- Very well then. Thought you'd be a little bit more grateful.
- You just told me you own my soul!
- See, now you're digressing!
- Arrghhh! Look, all I want to know is... I went running today.
- You did!? But it was raining! And you haven't run in months; I checked!
- Well, yes, I did! And when I got back, I was tasting a metallic flavour in my mouth, sort of coming from the back, a bit like blood, but more like that metal pole I licked that one time.
- Interesting... Let me have a think.
- Could it be teeth related? I mean, my cat needs to be operated so all of his teeth will be taken out, so I was wondering it might be that.
- Seriously?
- Errr... yeah... but....
- Are you a cat?
- No, but...
- Ha-ha-ha! You moron!
- HEY! Be nice!
- Anyway, depending on what you want to believe, I have terrible or good news for you.
- What's the terrible news?
- You'll be dead within a week!
- WHAT?!
- That's what it says here, but this site has a teddy bear in its logo, and the average forum user is either dyslectic or just really stupid.
- So there's no truth in that?
- Well, if you would be dead within a week, technically, they WOULD be right. So we'll see about that next week, won't we?
- Can't you read me something from somebody with more authority?
- Yeah, that was the good news.
- Really?
- Yes, apparently what you were witnessing was a mild form of heart failure.
- Heart failure is good news? That's a pretty heartless things to say!
- Gha! I like puns!
- So?
- Well, the heart failure means your heart is unable to keep up pumping blood to your lungs and body in exercise because you were straining yourself too much. Then red blood cells made their way into your lungs and into your breath.
- This still doesn't sounds like good news.
- Oh, but many people witness it... People who don't exercise too much, mostly.
- So it's entirely normal?
- Well, no. Not "normal", but you'll be fine.
- Thanks, I guess.
- You're welcome. Anything else I can help you with?
- Maybe yeah, ... The heart disease thing is pretty strange.... Maybe show me some photos of cute kittens falling over!
- Thy Will Shall be Done!

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