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[personal profile] timpeltje

Dear ex-laptop, 

Look at you, all worn out. Tired even. If I didn't know any better, I'd have been able to diagnose you with a case of severe pneumonia and prescribe you on a course of strong antibiotics. The reason I know better, is because I saw a bread grain stuck in your fan. 

I've retired you, you can move on to a new life now, whizzing away carefree, for the rest of your days just caring about music, artsy films and the occasional naked guilty pleasure, just one thing at a time. Your new owner, my sparkling nymph, will treat you much better than I ever did. He'd never use you as a coaster or spill his dry martini all over you. He won't force you to run seventy-five applications on two simultaneously running operating systems at the same time, exhausting you and making you scream. 

Five years is a long time in laptop years, that's about 150 years in human years, so any time you get extra brings you closer to a status of immortality (though not actual immortality, since you and I both know that you will most likely end up being vivisected in a toxic sweatshop in a third world country; most likely China, though I guess somewhere in Africa is equally possible). Well, what I'm trying to say, is that you've had a good run. Don't take it personally, but I've been outgrowing you for a while now. You're a pensioner and I've only just stopped wearing nappies (a birth defect, but still). 

Oh, don't sulk! Change is good! I showed you the world, didn't I? Three continents! Many countries, thousands of different wireless connections with so many kinky access points! You've seen more of the world than any piece of hardware I ever had, you interconnected slut! 

This is the last thing I'll ever write on you, so I thought it fitting that I write it on you, even though your young and sexy replacement is so much better at this stuff. (*) 

Looking at you, I notice something odd. From the entire keyboard, only two keys appear to have undergone a form of change, only the "S" and the "N" show signs of wear-and-tear. That's odd. We all know that, in the languages I mostly write in, the "E" is the most commonly used letter (18.91 % in Dutch and 12.70 % in English), but that key appears to be in pristine condition. At least for Dutch, the "N" makes sense, since it comes in on a solid second place (10.03 %), though in English it's only 6th (6.75 %). Perhaps most strange is the "S", which is 9th in Dutch (3.73 %) and 7th in English (6.33 %). (**)

It doesn't make sense. If you have an explanation for this, I'm all ears. Am I typing more of these letters than "normal people"? What's that? Maybe I just type "sex" too much? Errr… NO! Because then you'd notice flaking on the "E" and "X" as well! Besides, who Googles "sex" anyway? What people Google is "Moldovan teens tickling each other with radishes and turnips while wearing a banana costume"; you KNOW that gets my juices flowing! To each their own fetish, I say!

I still can't find an explanation for it. Maybe I am disgruntled a lot and that causes me to write "tsssssss!" a lot, which - I will admit - contains a large percentage of "S" letters, though I probably just hold the key down, rather then pressing it repeatedly. And don't go telling me it's from pressing CMD+S too much to save my progress on the work I'm doing. We both know how often I got frustrated when a crash made me lose a few hours of work! I'm rogue that way. 

I compared it to your predecessor, a Sony who now thinks he's a vacuum cleaner (mechanical schizophrenia is such a sad thing). The test was inconclusive since no obvious difference could be found between the different keys. 

Failing to come up with a better theory, I'm afraid I have to conclude that it must be my fault. My language use, bombastic, gargantuan and solipsistic (four times "S" (!!!!!)) as it may be, could truly be the cause of your damage. I had no idea. Of course keyboard builders will reinforce only the keys that are most often used, so that all wear-and-tear happens at a similar rate and consumers won't be freaked out. 

Or maybe you are playing tricks on me… That's it, isn't it? You knew I'd find out, so I'd start doubting my normality and, worst of all, my writing! How dare you?! You're making me want to freak out, because you're pissed at me? That's low, even for your standards! You know how hard it is for a totally unmaterialistic person to write something about a THING? Yeah, that's what you are to me, nothing more than a tool and a bitch and I couldn't care less about you! I never did! I just needed you for the money. Remember that cut off of my profits I promise you? I spent it all! 

So, happy retirement, you wanker!



(*) Not exactly true, this entry was already written on the "young and sexy replacement"; couldn't be bothered to actually do this, isn't the fact that I'm writing absolute nonsense about a soulless machine enough?

(**) Source of figures: 

Dutch (http://onzetaal.nl/taaladvies/advies/letterfrequentie-in-het-nederlands)

English (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Letter_frequency)