5 January 2014

timpeltje: (Default)
As an earth slowly completed another circle around its star, I licked a metal pole with my tongue. Of course with my tongue, with what else would one lick a pole/Pole? Needless to say, the frozen metal bar quickly glued itself onto my kissing device, and soon, the two became entwined in an intimate embrace.

You may call it youthful naiveté or dimwitted foolishness - neither of which would be appropriate in my modest opinion - but it is safe to assume that the position was not a comfortable one.

"I did nothing to you! Release me, you damn dirty pole!" would be the corrected equivalent of the sounds I was producing. Sadly, my words were more unintelligible and the pole was more indifferent than I had hoped.

As I was in a park of a sizable city, I assumed it wouldn't take long for help to arrive. I could not imagine gathering the courage to actually rip a piece of my tongue off to release me, so all I could do was wait.

When morning came, finally a man walking his dog entered the corner of my eye. I tried screaming "ELP!", but all he did was stare angrily for a second before shouting something like "You sick fuck!" in German (which I will gigglingly translate as: "Du kranker Fick!") while flipping me the finger, and slowly walking away.

Perhaps licking poles is taboo in this part of the world, but as it turned out, it seemed like it was going to take a bit more time to finally be freed. I imagined what would happen if the pole would grow into my tongue, thus forcing me to spend my life stuck like that, perhaps even raising a family of little poles. But no, that didn't seem ideal.

Days passed by. The people who saw me all gave me a similar reaction as the first man's. I was flabbergasted as to how sensitive an issue this was over here. Back where I'm from, licking poles is a national pastime and performed by all the greatest thinkers of the land! Clearly, the Germans have a slightly different view.

I kept myself nourished by the snow and bird droppings that fell into my mouth (I can recommend sparrow!) and hoped that temperatures would rise above freezing temperatures, so the situation could maybe resolve itself. No such luck.

My phone battery was depleting quickly. I tried calling people, but nobody could understand me, and those that did understood, mumbled something like "serves you right, you little prick!" With my last jolts of battery power, I browsed to the weather report, hoping for a plus centigrade figure somewhere. Instead, I stumbled upon an article about how the world had entered a new ice age. Frustrated, I banged my head hard against the pole, letting some ice from the top fall off and hit me on the head. I blacked out.

When I came to, it must have been days later, I was still dangling with my tongue from the pole. Realising where I was, I let out a cloudy sigh and panned across the park to see if someone, anyone, would pass by.

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and the ice age, well, it remained an ice age.

So let that be a lesson to you kids! As Aristotle once said in a drunken stupor: "You bitches don't go licking those poles, you hear? They be as evil as the devil on cocaine!" And boy, was he right!